Okay, it’s been way too long since my last blog entry and I haven’t yet finished my TCG conference update. How could 2 months have gone by? Today I will finish day 5 of the conference and move on to other news on the ever-lengthy list of things to do and talk about.
Day 5 at the TCG conference is the day I have been looking forward to and dreading the most since my arrival. It’s the day that I’m to speak as a 
panel member for the “Redefining the Role of the Actor” discussion.
For the last few days I have been taking notes and trying to write something that will reflect my experience as a Fox Fellow and as a working actor. Whenever I am asked to speak about a particular subject I always, at some point, come to the conclusion that I have no idea what I’m talking about. People should not ask me for my opinion or my advice because there’s a good possibility I’ll change my mind 5 minutes later.
I should never say, “This is the right way.” I can, however say “this is the way right now.” It must come from my fear of commitment. Once you tell someone your opinion on something it’s hard to convey to him or her that you are also capable of believing the exact opposite. I don’t want to put this baby in a corner, so I elect to preface everything with a “this is how I feel in this moment and will probably feel completely different in 15 minutes.” In other words don’t take what I say as gospel.
My stomach was in knots from the moment I opened my eyes that morning. Funny how I thought an egg sandwich with avocado would make me 
feel better. 11:45AM was go time and I seriously thought I was going to lose my lunch as soon as I headed over to the conference center. Then I remembered that Tracy Letts was speaking on a panel in an adjacent room at the exact same time that I would be speaking. Meaning no one would be at my event anyway (since everyone would go to Tracy’s.) I convinced myself I had nothing to fear.
We were given in a tiny conference room. The chairs were set up in a circle. My fellow Fellows and I took our seats and watched as the room filled up. Oh, man, what is wrong with these people? Why aren’t they with Tracy Letts? It must be because they want to hear Ellen Lauren of CITI Company speak.
Bill Barclay went first and he was great. I can’t believe all the work that he’s done. He’s a multi talented musician, composer, actor, and writer. He’s been all over the world creating music and theatre pieces as part of his fellowship. All that he’s accomplished blew me away. I was up next. I opened my mouth and thought my egg sandwich would appear on the floor. I told my audience as much and they laughed. That was my in. Make em laugh and you have them in your hand. For the next 10 minutes I spewed words from my mouth at a rapid pace and I could feel my excitement ramping up and up and up. I was hot. I was in the zone. So much so that the moderator had to cut me off and I was only half way through my talking points.
Mostly I talked about process. How in the end that is what matters. That is what defines the outcome. Racing through the process, ignoring the 
process or skipping steps in the process will only mar the results. Writing the Fox Fellowship grant gave me the opportunity (or forced me, whatever your pleasure) to articulate my process for the first time. It’s not that I thought what I did to get to a character was magic, I just did what I did and hoped for the best. After going through the process of defining my process I find that I’m much more in control of the outcome. Maybe control is the wrong word. Aware. That’s it. Present. I’ve become much more present for the moment-to-moment actions. It’s not about getting it right. It’s about experiencing and listening to what is happening right now and deciphering how it feels for the words to come out of my mouth and hit my partner. How I communicate with my body. Not trying to get it right, but to be present for what I’m attempting to deliver. And that will help me own the story that I’m telling.
My response to redefining the actors’ role was to first define the actors’ role. Only then can you move ahead.
What a relief when it was over and what a joy to hear my fellow Fellows talk about their experiences as actors. The conference ended with a conversation with playwrights Theresa Rebeck and Tanya Saracho about women in the theatre. I could go on and on about that subject, but instead I will spare you my 5 minute opinion and just say how grateful I am to have had this opportunity. Thank you TCG, thank you Fox Foundation and thank you City Theatre for supporting this portion of my journey.
I encourage all my fellow theatre artists to apply for TCG grants. They are an amazing organization giving away tons of money to support artists being artists. Have questions? Ask me!!
